winter blues

I hate winter. I get too fucking easily depressed in the winter. Otherwise, i'd love it. i love the holidays and such, and snow whenever we might actually get it. I just cant stand getting depressed so easily. I refuse to take depression meds, cuz a) i used to take them, and the often made it worse and b) there is no reason to only take them about 3 months out of the year. i was having a rather fine day, i was hyper and everything. i called my fiance to make sure he was still coming over to help me move furniture, and he said something, completely playing around, that hurt my feelings. i told him that what he said bothered me, and told him not to say it again, he said he was really sorry, didnt know it would bother me, and that it wont happen again. normally, that wouldnt bring me down so much.. i thought that i was over it, and went on my way, well, when he got to the dorm, we were talking and such and he was wanting to, you know, mess around. earlier that day, i would have gone with it in less than a second, but for some reason, i just didnt want to anymore. i told him that i didnt want to at the moment, and maybe after we moved the furniture that i'd feel better. well, we rearranged my room, and yet i still was down and shit. i was kinda pissed, mostly just cuz i was in a bad mood then, but i had no reason to be. he asked if i was ok, cuz i wasnt "being ashley." i dont know what happened. i didnt want to do anything, but just lay on my bed and listen to music. he was hugging me and still trying to get me to do something, but i (this is really strange for me) just flat out told him that i really didnt want to and maybe this weekend.........I really hate how the winter makes it easier for me to get depressed. i went thru this shit for two and a half years straight, i dont want to put up with it again. i know that i kinda disappointed him, and i hate that feeling. i told him that i get depressed easy in the winter, and that the smallest thing will set it off. he told me that he understood and that it's ok.....its not ok. getting depressed like this makes me feel like shit. i used to cut, and i was actually really addicted to it. i stopped completely over a year ago, and for a year before that it was only when i was REALLY upset (like a bad break up or something). When i get depressed like this, it makes my arms ad wrists tingle, just making me have the urge to just at least scratch it really hard just to feel some of that old familiar sting. I wont let myself do it again. i refuse. none of my friends REALLY understand this kind of shit, except for my (for the most part) best friend, but she's done a bunch of crazy shit lately, so i dont trust her any more. (read the earlier bulletins for more info on that). my mom would over react about all this if she found out about it, and i dont want my other family members to worry or anything. like i said, no one else really gets it, so i just have to either keep it bottled up (which can actually be deadly, by the amount of stress it puts on the body), or tell my fiance, who is the only other one who would understand, but i dont want him to feel like it's his fault or anything. i explained what was going on to him earlier ,and he seemed to understand. it's just that everytime i get upset about something, or wind up crying about something, he's usually the one i go to first, so i'm sure he's tired of hearing me cry.

im sorry for that rant, but i actually feel a lot better now, just getting all of that out. thanks for listening/reading.......

peace