update

Wow.. its been a long time since i've posted. well, for my readers, heres an update. Chris and i broke up May 11th. we had promised that neither of us would date anyone else during the summer to get over it all, but a week later, at a friends party, i found out that he had started dating some other (slutty) chick (not jealousy talking, she was slutty) about 3 days after we beoke up. wow. talk about fast rebound. i slapped him in the face when i found out about it because he LIED to me about it. wouldnt have minded as much had he told me the truth. so, i slapped him and slammed the door as i got out of his car, he sped off and i went inside and drank 8 shots of vodka followed by orange soda in less than thirty minutes. then i puked my guts out off and on for 2 and a half hours, while passing in and out of conciousness.....well, i found out the next day that he had sent me an email with a picture of a broken (attempted to be repaired) heart that he had made on photoshop. according to him it took him almost all night to do, including finding the poem that he found online. so, i was willing to mostly forgive him.but he still had to earn back all of the trust i had for him. he still hasnt fully.
fast forward to early june. i had set up a profile on OKCupid.com. it was quoth_the_ravyn if anyone had gotten on. well, within a week of setting up that profile, i got tons of hits. and met this awesome guy named Casey. he was really sweet and we talked online for about a week. well, after about a week of talking only online, i let him call me, and for a week straight, we sat up and talked all night on the phone. i mean all night. he'd call me at 1030, we didnt get off til 6 or so. well, after about a week of that, we wanted to meet up, so i invited him to a party at my friend's house, where we played apples to apples. he was very polite and such a gentleman. my friends liked him a lot. they said that when i had gone downstairs to talk to my friend's mom, he asked what all he could do to win me over. well, i went upstairs after that, and he wanted to go outside to talk, so i said sure. we went out, and laid on the grass looking up at the stars talking. he gently took my hand in his and asked if it was ok if he could hold my hand. i told him it was, it just felt a bit odd, since i was basically starting the whole dating thing over. he asked me if i would be his girlfriend, and i said that i would have to think about it. a week after that night, we went to the mall on a date, and walked around and talked. a lot. he told me about his friends and i told him about some of my odd friends that he hadnt met that night at nikkis. he asked me again to be his girlfriend, and i still said that id really have to think about it. he looked so disappointed, but hopeful that i would eventually say yes. when we walked out to the car, he asked for a hug. as i let him hold me, i felt as if NOTHING could hurt me. i felt so safe and magical. he asked if i could stay at his house the next night, so after he met my parents, i told them that i was staying at my best friend's and went to his house.
we watched a few movies, and he held me the whole time. after a while of me still being unsure, i let him kiss me for the first time. i liked it. i pretended that i wasnt fully there, cuz i was still nervous, and i didnt want to get his hopes up in case i decided to date one of the other guys i met on okc. but after a bit i kissed him, kinda forcefully...^_^...after our movies, we went to bed, and he held me the ENTIRE night, even covered me when he felt me shiver (i have the habit of kicking the covers off). nothing sexual happened. i would not have let something like that happen, even tho he didnt even hint at it.
well, i went home the next day, and realized how much i liked him, but i was still not ready for a relationship. i went to San Deigo with my family a couple of days later for a week, and as soon as we started flying i realized how much i missed him. i called when we landed to let him know i was safe. after we had gotten the rental car, i texted him a lot and told him that i really missed him, and asked if he wanted to make the boyfriend/girlfriend thing official. he said "hell yeah!" and that was that. during that week ,we realized how much we had fallen for each other, and when he came to see me the day after returning home, he told me for the first time that he loved me. i told him that i loved him too, and that was june 23. we had become "official" boyfriend/girlfriened on June 18th, just over a month after chris and i broke up. its been almost 3 months since then, and it feels like so much longer, in a good way. he's come over and stayed EVERY weekend, and comes to see me at least once during the week. in that short 2 and a half months, we have already figured out how much we connect and how much we are alike in being different from others. we've also decided that we want to get married when i get done with school in 2011. ^_^ he hasnt officially proposed yet, due to lack of money for a ring, but he will as soon as he can. we're designing our dream house that we're going to have built once we get settled and after we have the money. which will be about 3-4 years after we first get married. i love him VERY much, and i could go on and on about him, but im sure you dont want to know that much. if you do, my email is ABUCK1025@aol.com. you can ask more there. ^_^

Monday

well, it's monday, and it's an absolutely GORGEOUS day outside. and im stuck inside writing a paper for Intro to film and finishing my english stuff. blegh! im having so much trouble. this film paper is a pain in the butt. i can put the info in there no problem, but i have trouble doing intros and closings, and tying it together. grrrr.. as i'm writing this, its like 6:45 in the afternoon, but it looks and feels like it's 3. it's not fair that i dont get to go play. i know i sound like a kid on that one, but i like climbing trees. this sucks .i hate papers. stories i can write with no problems. not papers. whatever. other than this,i had a good day today. i wore my favorite shirt, pants, and new socks and shoes. i have new Lancome lip gloss, and i took a shower between classes today, so i had a good hair day,too. i had a popcicle, and chick-fil-a, so im content food wise. it's just this stupid term paper for film that sucks. i think i'll get some spaghetti-o's and put on a cd and try to gt done. peace.

Bubble wrap

HI!! I'm in a whimsical mood right now. i feel like being silly. you know in the movie Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium where on his last day, they go to the mattress store and jump on the mattresses saying random words and such? I'm in a mood to do that. i feel happy! i would like to go to a bed store and breakdance on a water bed. do you know how much fun that would be to do the worm on a water bed?? HOLY CRAP!! that'd be fun as hell. then, for extra kicks, i'd fill a tub at Home Depot or Lowes with water and suds and put like twelve rubber duckies in it. or act like im living at the set ups in the different furniture and home stores. For instance, i'd bring a portable tv in to a furniture store and set the living room set up to watch a football game or something. it would be funny to see the looks on the faces of the people who work there. or to go to the zoo, and as the large flow of people are going in, run out screaming "the animals are loose, run for your lives!" i know, that one is a common thought. but i like doing random stuff. For instance theres a thing on facebook that says "fun things to do at walmart: #20. Put M&Ms on Layaway." thats something i would do. just to be random and goofy. thats so me, odd and different.

Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?

So, i'm watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off . i love this movie. it's at the end of the movie, where Ferris is running through everyone's yards trying to get home in time to make sure his parents dont find out. The sister is driving and fighting with the mom, which is so much like me and my mom when she's in the car with me. she hates my driving. there's this little old lady with a beehive hair-do driving in front of Ferris's dad on the road. she cant see over the steering wheel, and is driving in zigzags. she shouldnt be allowed to drive. i think that was the point of that part in the movie. but i just find this whole movie funny. i wish i could've had a Ferris day. when i was in high school, the two years that i didnt want to be at school, i wasnt able to drive. there was one time, my senior year, where my boyfriend and i skipped a day of school to just hang out and shop and chill. I wish we couldve done the kind of stuff Ferris does in the movie. it would've been more fun if we lived in New York or DC. Cordova doesnt really have a lot like that to do. but it's a lot better than where i used to live. more to do here than in Smyrna, TN, a town outside of Nashville. there's actually a mall here, whereas in Smyrna, the closest mall is a town away...it sucks. like i said, theres a lot more to do here, but not as much as say, New York or something. it would be fun to be in a parade like Ferris was. But, as this is not a major town/city that would hold such parades, i couldnt. but that that would be really fun. dont cha think??

beauty marks

OK. i used to hate tattoos with a passion, always thought they were stupid. However, now, my younger cousin and i decided to get matching ones after he turns 18 in november of 2009. i know that's two and a half years away, but we still want to. he's one of my best friends, so this is a special thing for us. it'a going to be a peace sign, in black, made of the word "peace" written over and over in a circle and written down to create the middle line, and at a slant to create the other two parts. i designed it, and when it's in a standard font, like times new Roman, it'll look a lot better. i'll show you the sketch if you ask me. but i think this will be really neat. we're both "hippies" and are both the peace loving type. that part of my personality will never change, ive been a peace supporter since i knew what it was all about. that will never change. my cousin is 16, and he and i hated each other til about 3 years ago, when we became friends playing a game of monopoly. we used to argue all the time, then, while i was waiting for my dad to pick me up from my grandparents, and my cousin had just gotten there, we decided to play monopoly. we started talking during the game, anad before you knew it, we were getting along really well. getting along for the first time since he had turned 9. he liked to pic on me and his older sister a lot. but that was cause he's a boy. that's what they do at that age. anyway...so, we got really close, and now we're best friends.. but we're going to get this tattoo after he turns 18, unless his mom would sign the waiver, and let him do it before hand, but i doubt she would.she's not the type that would do that. my grandfather doesnt like the idea that we want to get this done, and would rather us wait til he "kicks the bucket." he's 79, and in pretty good health for his age. i think we'll get them done and just hide them. mine will be easy to hide, since im planning on getting it on my ankle. we arent sure yet where my cousin should get his, since the ankle tattoos are more of a girl thing. but we're making sure that it could be hidden by clothing, so that if we need to hide them, we can. but like i said, this wont be for another year and a half, so we dont have to think about where to get them for a while. but im anxious, since i know it'll hurt like hell on me, since the ankle area has a lot of bone. but, i dont want it anywhere else, cuz i wear a lot of short sleaved shirts, and i dont want anything on my back. oh, well, i have a while to think about this...just wanted to share!!!

gaydar alert!! one of our own is in trouble!!!

this one will be kind of awkward, so bare with me. to make you understand for the most part of where im coming from, you need to be brought to the beginning, when i was 10. at that time, most kids dont know that there were people that were gay or bi, or stuff like that. hell, at 10, most kids think that those of the opposite sex "had cooties" or were "gross." well, there arent many creatures in this world that have habits that are as sickening or gross as a ten year old boy (burping or farting contests, for example), but i digress. it was at that critical age that i first figured out that i liked both boys and girls. i didnt know at the time that there was a name for it. i found this out from my stepsister (who i just consider my sister now), who was a grade ahead of me, due to her birthday. she showed me one night, after our parents had gone to bed, that the tvs in our rooms picked up a very fuzzy, but still observable, playboy channel. i was drawn to watch it at first entirely because it was something that was "naughty" (no pun intended, i assure you) and that i was not used to the content of it. well, this sparked my interest in females, as since that time, i've always viewed the female body as (for the most part) beautiful. well, fast forward a few years to my freshman year of high school.. at this time, i was welcomed by my friends to be "myself" and being "bi" was okay.

during that year, i had two girlfriends, and two boyfriends. (all at their own time, i never doubled). well, since then, ive had a few more of each, mostly boyfriends. my mom never found out til the end of my freshman year, and felt that hitting me (pretty hard i might add) and not talking about it, other than bitching at me about how it was "wrong and an abomination and wouldnt be allowed in [her] house" , not talking about it would make it go away...things were fine until my senior year of high school, when we had another blow up about it, cuz she caught me hugging a friend of mine a little too close. she views it like im some sort of monster for liking chicks, too..however, it's natural for me. i didnt choose to. she's one of those hypocritical people. she preaches at me about the bi thing, knowing that i dont believe in "God" or any type of supreme one being, for that matter, and until i turned 18, made me go to church with her. Yet, she will cuss at times, not "accept others" and other things. i've actually read the bible when i was younger. it caused her to not bitch at me at times. she's not showing tolerance to differences. she thinks that she can push her beliefs off on me, knowing my own.

ok, that little rampage on my mom wasnt my point. its part of the story, but wasnt the point. my point is that now, i think i might be *dramatic pause* pretty much straight, now...i mean, i still think women/chicks are pretty and hot, at what not, but i would never get into a relationship with one again...too much drama....i dont think i would even "mess around" with a chick again. does this mean im straight????? that scares me.. cause since high school, being bi was part of my identity. it's like a guy who thought he was straight his whole life suddenly realizes that he's gay. its scary shit!! i dont know what to do...i guess just go with it, but it confuses me. i want to know who i am entirely! now, im not 100% sure. i know that i am ME, but this ME is confused. this ME isnt really attracted to chicks any more. i want to just get over it, and all, but this was a part of who i was/(am?). I've changed a lot over the past year (you can ask Nina), and i've become kinda preppy, when i used to be one of those kids that wears the big black pants and stuff all the time. it's so weird. am i not who i thought i was?? i mean, i like being me. i wouldnt change it for the world. im just so confused. usually im the one that convinces people to come out and be who they really are, but im so confused on this right now.

shots of two kinds

so, im sitting here, still moping that the tigers lost the championship. the tigers only brought their C game today, while Kansas had brought their B game. if we had even brought our B- game, we could've beaten them. im pissed. i watched the game with some friends in the TV lounge of my dorm. i liked watching the game with them, but i was sad that we lost. i had called my ex (one of my good friends) right before the game to see if he was going to watch it. he said he wouldnt cuz it was a definate that we'd win. said that the first five minutes of the game the score would be : Kansas - 5, Memphis- 10...he was eerily accurate. at the 15:oo mark of the first half, we had 11, and kansas had 5.. so, i thought, "he's prolly right." WRONG!!!!! the last five minutes of the actual game. we slacked up tooo much and let them gain the 9 points and tie with us, which threw us into over time in which they scored 10, and we scored 5...im pissed. i would have actually bet on that game. im so glad that i didnt. you know, they should cancel classes for tomorrow, as a day of mourning. i think that if we won, classes should've been cancelled anyway, since a lot of people wouldve been drinking more.
this sucks. if this werent a dry campus, id get my friend to get me a bottle of tequila. (im not 21, or i'd get it myself). i would really like the tequilla that my boyfriend, Chris, has at his house that his dad brings back from Mexico every time they go. that's the good stuff. luckily ive never gotten any with the worm in it. lol....but that's the good tequila. a family friend of theirs makes the drinks at the parties, and Chris's brother thinks its hilarious that tequila gets me drunk and that i really like tequila. so, after i've told him "no, thanks, Alex, i dont want another drink." he has their friend make me another. and, since i dont want to waste good tequila, and it tastes good, i drink it..then the cycle begins again...but i've found that the "one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor" thing is pretty true. im rather tipsy after 3 shots of it. i dont know if i would be considered drunk, cuz i always remember what happened. but i get kinda slutty after the tequila..whatever..
so, i went from basketball to tequila..hrm.thats odd..at least my minds off the game for the most part. think i might investigate the contents of my friend's liqour hoard. peace.

part 4/4

well, when i took him back to his car in the koger parking lot (we leave his car there so he wouldnt have to pay to park at the meter thingys, nad he wouldnt have to go back to the meter every hour to refill it.) well, after getting gas in my car (i was running on fumes) i took him back to his car, and we said our goodbyes. he was a little hastey, which i didnt like. i understood that he had to get home soon, due to curfew and whatnot (yes, he still has one, his parents are strict.) but he drives faster than i do usually, and i knew he could make it. i just wish he couldve been a little more affectionate.
when we had gone on our break, one of the reasons for him was that he wasnt sure if he still 100% loved me. i understand that that kind of thing happens in relationships, and that's fine. im glad that he told me about it (after i told him that if we'd actually talk about these types of things more, we could've avoided this whole situation. this is n the previous set of 4 blogs, look there if you're lost.) well, as he got out of the car, i tole him that i love him ,and he just said "i know." which i knew meant that he still wasnt sure. i asked him if that was the case, and he said that it was. so, i kinda think that we got back together a bit soon. tho im very happy that we're back, i wish that he would've been able to figure this all out before us getting back together. i wouldve waited as long as he needed. but anyway, i just think it was a little soon than either or us planned. i was thinking it'd be like 3 weeks. but like i said, im still happy that we're back together. just wish that there was more definition to it.

part 3/4

so, as we got towards the last ten minutes of the movie, we wound up sitting closer again. at the end of the movie, as the credits were showing, we some how wound up wrestling/having a tickle fight on the couch. i had gotten it to where i had straddled his stomach, just under his chest, so that he couldn't get me off easily, and was finding ways to torture him via tickles (i usually win these types of fights, tho I'm extremely ticklish.). well, i kinda laid down on him and just hugged him really tight,as that was what i really wanted: one of his hugs. well, he raised up and somehow flipped us around to where i was the one on the couch and he was leaning over me, when he kissed me. the last time he and i had kissed was the night we went on our break, as a last-one-til-we're-back-together kiss. i knew at that moment, when he kissed me, that our break was over. and i loved it!! i couldnt help but pull him into a long,passionate kiss, since we hadnt kissed in almost a week ,but i had seen him a couple of times during the week since. as soon as we stopped kissing, he pulled away a bit and looked at me and said "i guess that means the break is over." at which i just hugged him tighter and said "mhm." after that, we went to my dorm for a bit. (you can guess what happened, being as we had just gotten back together and i have a single room)

cont ---->

part 2/4

my boyfriend and i started watching Across the Universe. That movie is AMAZING!!! (ill talk more about that one later)

we wound up sitting close to each other the whole time, my legs usually over his lap, like normal. by the time we paused the movie, with about 45 minutes left, we had wound up sitting really close together. After we paused it, we went to teach my little brother how to play the Twister game that i got him for his birthday. we had a lot of fun. my boyfriend plays in the way that he purposely makes it to where you have to intertwine with each other. we played 3 games, each of us winning once. then we ate supper,which was spaghetti and crescent rolls, my favorite. anyway, after eating ,we went back to watching the movie. this was at the point in the movie (for those of you that have seen it, where Lucy realizes that Jude had left and sees his giant strawberry painting. well, as we started watching it again, we somehow got closer and closer to each other on the couch, and found ourselves holding hands. we didn't fully realize this until my mom came into the living room and asked "well, if y'all aren't together any more, why are you acting like it??" at which point, he scooted over about 6 inches and let go of my hand. he told her that "she's [meaning me] the one that started it!" my mom had walked off at this point and i told him that i didn't start anything, that it was his choice if he held my hand any or not.


cont,next

part 1/4

well, my boyfriend and i got back together Sunday night. i kinda think that it was a bit soon. the break didn't last even a week, but the way we were acting Sunday night was like we were back together already. Sunday was my little brother's 7th birthday, so we had a birthday party for him at the cordova bowling alley. my boyfriend attends, but arrives about an hour and a half later than when it started, due to having been at church. he got there as we started into the cake, right after pizza and right before my brother opened his presents. before going to the party room, we bowled for a little over an hour. My score wasn't exactly good. i played against one of the parents. his score wasn't much better, so i don't feel bad. we had fun, that's all that counted.


anyway, after the presents, the kids, my boyfriend and i went to play some of the games that they have there. well, my boyfriend and i played two games of air hockey, and since he and i are so good at it, we wound up running the timer out on the second game, instead of getting to the max score of 7. the score at that game was 5-4, his favor. after our game, we loaded my brother's stuff into the car, and went back to my house.


cont, in next

part 4/4

my grandfather once told me about 3 or 4 years ago as we sat around a camp styled fire for a family cookout, that a good marriage is like the logs on that fire. you have to give each other enough space to breathe, but be close enough to keep each other warm. even tho i was about 15 at the time, i knew what he meant. it didnt pertain to how closely people held each other. it was about how close people (couples) should be emotionally. it's like holding the reins on a horse. if you hold them too loose, the horse will do as it pleases, because you arent helping to guide it, and basically letting it go. but if you hold the reins too tight, the horse will back up or rare up on you, and you can get thrown off. there must be a level of trust between the horse and the person that is riding it, or you could lose the horse, or get hurt. when the person holds the reins too tightly,it shows that they want all the contol, and they they do not trust the horse. the horse must trust the person to feed it and lead it in the right direction, or they could both get hurt by falling or ending up somewhere dangerous. the horse may be many times bigger than it's rider, but knows that the rider is the one that takes care of it, by keeping it safe, fed, watered, and clean. the rider knows that if the horse feels safe and comfortable with the rider, then the horse will let the rider guide them. with couples, it doesnt matter what role you play, weither it be the rider or the horse. you have to have a mutual trust in each other and an understanding in what your relationship is, or someone can get seriously hurt. maybe not physically, but deffinately emotionally. the horse and the rider take care of each other, as should a couple. they each should protect and care for each other, but every now and then, must let the other have their way in somethings.

part 3/4

every now and then, couples need to just have some time set aside for just the two of them, with no distractions, no kids (if they have any), no family, no one else, and just relax and renew their relationship. after my brother's birthday party, that's what sunday will be about. we really need it. also during our break, we are going to start setting aside about an hour or so during the week to just talk about what's going on with us more, and if there are any problems in our relationship or if we have any problems with each other. we've agreed that this time will be completely distraction free. no computers, no cell phones, just me and him. if we have to, we could just sit on the porch and talk. just somewhere that we could talk to each other in complete peace. if that means that we have to sit on the roof of one of our cars in the middle of a totally empty parking lot, then so be it. i really think that this will help renew our relationship. talking like we have for the past couple of days has helped a lot. we've promised to not hold anything back. if we had a dream about something or someone else, we'll talk about. after all, they're only dreams. (this pertains to an earlier blog titled Dreams). i have even told him about those dreams that i had about my ex, and he's told me his dreams, too. we've agreed to be absolutely honest with each other. after all, a good relationship is built on trust, truth, and the ability to forgive each other when it comes down to it, right??

continued on next blog

part 2/4

but anyways, like i was saying, we're on a break. i was a total wreck tuesday and wednesday, trying to get over it, before i fully realized that hey, since we are going to get back together, it's just a "space break" that it's not the end of the world. he just wanted some space, and i respect that. i told him tho, that since he's the one that wanted the space, he'd be the one to call me. heh, and wednesday, he was the one texting and calling me to see how i was doing. i think ive only called him twice since then, and both of those times were to ask him about something. he actually called me earlier to see if i wanted to go see a movie with him tonight, since both of us were off of work, but i have homework to do, including finishing these and my propaganda paper that i've had sooooo much trouble doing. i understand how to do it, its just my topic. i also have a little history thats due monday, but i wanna get every bit of this stuff done before going to work tomorrow, so that i can have the whole day off sunday for my little brother's birthday party, and so that my boyfriend and i can spend the day together. he wants to go see 10,000 bc, and suggested hitting some baseballs around. im pretty sure that the baseball thing is for my benifit, since he doesnt like any other sport but soccer and, well, bowling, if you count it as a sport. i think he might be having some regrets, do you think??? this will give us a chance to just get back to normal, and a bit closer together, and possibly start again in the relationship a bit. we could probably use that.

continued next blog

part one of four

on tuesday, my boyfriend and i decided to go on a break. it's not a total break-up, tho it was at first. we're still together, and agreed to not even flirt with anyone else. it's more of a space thing. he said that he was feeling a little smothered. he and i had this agreement when we first started dating tat we'd be open with each other about anything that we felt was wrong in our relationship or if the other did somethign that the other did not like. well, i was keeping up my end of the deal, and i told him that if he had kept up his end of the deal better, that we might not have had this break happen. but, we agreed to work on this problem during this whole thing and we are making progress. in the past three days, we have both discussed our problems better, and in turn, i feel like we've gotten a bit closer doing so. since i was mad at him wednesday, and a bit still yesterday, i felt no need to hold back my opinions about some things and i feel much better for telling him what he needed to hear, not what he wanted to hear. this whole thing of "telling the truth more" has helped me get him to also talk to his dad more about things, instead of lying to him, just to get to go out of the house more. cuz, like my mom said (i cant belive im agreeing with her on something like this) you'll earn more trust than you can ever steal. that's why i dont lie to my mom about where im going. she knows that since im 19, she cant stop me from doing anything that i really want to do. she knows that there is drinking at most of my friend's parties, so she knows that ill either stay the night at my friends, or have my boyfriend drive,since he doesnt drink. as a kid, she'd talk to me about stuff instead of telling me not to do something just because she said not to. she told me the reasons why i should or should not do something (at least when i was old enough to understand). i dont think that my boyfriend's dad did that kind of thing with him. i think his dad is just one of those types of parents that uses the "because i said so, that's why" explination. that would never work for me. everytime one of my parents or even a teacher used that excuse on me, i'd keep asking them exactly why they made that certain decision untill they told me the exact reason. then, if i felt that the said reason wasnt justifiable, i'd dispute it with an actually rather logical arguement for a kid (i get this from my grandfather).



continued on next blog

scooby-doo/pet names

Im watching What's New, Scooby Doo. I love this show. This is either a new episode or just one that i havent seen before. in this episode, scooby and the gang are at Fort Knox, and they meet up with these 6 puppies that are being trained for the secret service. The villain in this episode happens to be the drill sergeant of Fort Knox, who covers himself in a gold suit so that he could blend in with the gold bricks in the giant safe there. He was actually trying to break out of Fort Knox, and into a neighboring sports drink factory, ironically called Goldade, to become a buisnessman instead of being stuck with the army. The puppies had names involving money, including 14 karet and Blingy. I thought this was pretty funny.
I know a person who names their dogs after types of cars. Corvette is my favorite one. It's my favorite type of car and the dog likes me more than the others seem to, so she'll play with me more than the others will. I also used to know a guy who named his cats after Star Trek charaters. The fattest of the two cats was named "Leutenant Warf."
Pet names are usually a reflection of their owner's personality, but what conclusion could be drawn from the name i gave my dog, Max? we chose that name because we wanted something easy for my brother to say (who was at the time only 3), and that would be one that would fit him. if you've read my last blog, you'd know that he is a small dog. so, of course, he was a small puppy. as a puppy, since he is half poodle, half shihzhu, he was very fluffy. he had the length of a shihzhu's hair (these types of dogs have hair, not fur) and the thickness of a poodle's hair. so as you can probably picture, he was really fluffy...max just seemed to suit him. even tho he was tiny, he was very friendly and came right up to me when i went to choose from his litter. he gets along well with other dogs, and he's a very friendly dog. his personality is that of one of those types of people who are friendly and smiling almost all the time. max just seemed to fit him.

naming animals should be similar to how people name babies. the name should fit them and should fit their personality. i know that babies' personalities are not apparent at first, but it is possible to tell if they are going to be friendly or shy, or stuff like that. yes, i know that some babies are named after family memebers, but naming a boy Gerald Eugine when he looks like nothing of the sort is not the best thing to do. one or the other would have been fine.

max

my dog max is siting here whimpering for a bite of my spaghetti. he's half shihzhu and half poodle, so he cant have just anything, it'll make him sick. he's black with a white tummy and a bit of white on the front of his paws, and a white spot on the back of his neck. he's only about 12 pounds, and is the size of a shihzhu, so that should give you all an idea of how little he is. he looks, color wise, a bit like a penguin. i love him. he's my little buddy. he's 4 years old tomorrow, and if i could, i would throw him a birthday party. lol. i know that's odd, but he's like another kid in my family. he just doesnt get in as much trouble as the rest of us do. he even can kinda "back-talk" my mom. sometimes, if she's nagging about something about one of us, or something he did, he'll do a soft growl, not like he'll bite her or anything, but enough to let her know that he's not happy with her. he's got two best friends, who live two houses down. their names are Sugar and Brownie. Sugar is black and white and is half shihzhu and half maltese and weighs about 8 pounds. her little brother brownie is actually bigger than her, weighing in at 12 pounds, and is brown and white. he's 1/4 shihzhu and 3/4 maltese. they are both really sweet dogs and love to play with max. it's fun walking them with their owner, Mike, who's in his early 50s. he's really nice, and jokes around a lot with me and my little brother. they're just fun to be around.

blah

I really dont know what to write about right now. i have a few minutes before i have to go get ready for work, and im not too sure that i'll have enough time to write much after i get home from work. i know that it's best to write these things as the week goes on, but i either forget or really just dont have anything that i want to talk about. or at least not enough for the required length. I dont want to go to work, i'd rather go hang out with my fiance and some of our friends tonight at the mall, but i know that i cant even get off work early, since itll be just two of us closing tonight , since my main manager wont give me and the closing manager anymore people to close. oh, well. i like the closing manager, she's my best friend's sister-in-law. she's really cool, and really nice. it's just flat out more fun to work with her. but anyways, i guess that kinda gives me a bit of my 200 words, i need to go get ready for work, so i dont think that i can type any more before work. peace.

thing for prompt for 2/25

Her 18th birthday party was a success so far. All of her friends had showed up, and they were all having fun and mingling. The decorations were amazingly bright and colorful. As she was talking to her friend from her history class, she looked up at the door to the large room, and saw her ex boyfriend walk in. He had broken up with her just the month before, and they had agreed to remain friends. She had cried every night into her pillow since that heartbreaking day.

As he walked in, his eyes met with hers. As she met his gaze, he gave her a soft look that showed her that he still cared about her, at least a little bit. She fought hard not to cry. It would look bad in front of everyone else, because as far as all of her friends knew, she was completely over him. She quickly talked her way out of the conversation, and walked mostly unnoticed out of the room.

As she reached her bedroom, she began to sob uncontrollably. She shut the door quietly to make sure no one noticed that she had left upset. As she began crying into the pillow, she heard her door open gently, and felt someone lift her into their arms. It was her ex.

"Why are you here??" she said through her sobs, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"You invited me, and I still care about you," he softly answered, wiping her tears from her face with his sleeve.

"But you obviously don't care enough since you shattered my heart," her sobs starting to calm just a little bit, due to having breathing trouble from crying so hard.

"That was my mistake. I shouldn't have made our break-up so harsh. I-I just needed time to myself. I still care about you, and part of me will always love you. it's just..right now, i cant." He tried calming her, which wasnt working too well.

She held her pillow tight as her tears kept falling, her eyes like that of a child after having their feelings hurt. He sat down on her bed with her, and pulled her into a tight hug. She eased her crying enough to where she could breathe normally again, and looked at him, meeting that same soft gaze that breaks her heart everytime she sees it. He lifted her face up to look him in the eye, and he kissed her, deeply. She started crying again, falling into his arms. He held her for the rest of the night, falling asleep with her on her bed, no one really noticing that they were missing.

Dreams

Dreams are a funny thing. I have been having strange dreams about my ex lately. The one that i talk to all the time still, that i'm still good friends with. these dreams involve my ex and i either getting back together or making out, etc. what bothers me most about these dreams is that my fiance is either not even mentioned in them or in the dreams, the fact that im with him is the only thing that stops me from doing anything with my ex. In real life tho, I wouldn't trade my fiance for anybody. not even a johnny Depp/ antonio banderas mix. (that's a hot, sexy man! :) ) i love him too much, and tho he's not perfect, he's the best for me. he supports my choices, makes sure that i do what i need to do, not just spend all my time with him. he's just amazing. so much that it's hard to describe what all he does for me. but anyway, those dreams about my ex bother me. i told my ex about these dreams earlier tonight, and we figure that these dreams are caused by the fact that it took me a really long time to get over him, since we had a really rough break up. when i started falling for my boyfriend, i finally realized that i was over my ex. but i still think about him from time to time. i dont want to be with him again. like i said, i would never give up my boyfriend for anything. but, if i were single, and my ex's girlfriend weren't in the picture, we might've actually winded up back together. i wonder sometimes how much things would be different if things worked out with me and my ex. but those dreams, in my opinion, dont mean anything. just maybe that my subconcious hasnt entirely gotten over him, since he'll always have a place in my heart.

STUPID internet

im so fucking sick of the connection at my house. the one that the main computer is hooked up to is fine, a bit slow compared to the wifi at school and all, but at least it doesnt drop in and out like the stupid "wireless" connection thru my laptop here. i hate having to use the main computer. the keyboard is awkward compared to my laptop, and it's noisy. the picture quality is bad compared to the HD screen on my laptop.did i mention that i hate this keyboard with a passion?? i got used to the keyboard on my laptop, so trying type on this PC is difficult. so awkward. but at least it stays connected when you want it to.

REVOLUTION!! i got the laptop's connection to work for the time being. at least enough to get this shit done and sent off. hey! this time about two hours early. i suck at this stuff. im not in a writing mood everyday, so i dont write everyday. then i wind up just rambling off a bunch of crap friday or thursday nights. you know, when the internet does this crap to me, i wish there were a personified enfgurement of it (like a dummy or something ) that i could just choke/strangle til my hands cant anymore. i'd feel so much better. screw-ups in the connection cause so much fucking stress at the time. i was in a good mood til this crap started. i think i'll just send this off, and whatever, just so that this big ass thing of stress can just be lifted, and i can relax. my little brother wants me to play video games with him tonight. adios.

my crazy boyfriend

im kinda running out of things to say. I dont know what else to type about right now that would be of interest. my fiance got off of work early tonight, so he's over here, doing all he can to get on my last nerve. it's working. he's about to get hit. i've been about to hit him for the past almost hour. he's making annoying noises, reading over my shoulder, poking/ groping me, just getting on my freaking nerves. and this is solely to just aggravate me. He gets in these moods where he wants to act like a little kid, just to aggravate the shit outta me. he's doing a good job of it. but, yet, somehow, i still love him. im not always sure why, but i do. maybe its cuz he's just so damn cute when he gives me the puppy dog look. or maybe cuz he's great to cuddle with. idk. i just really really love him. he's a great guy, no matter how annoying he can be. he acts like a dog sometimes. he'll give me the puppy dog look, then at times, he's got tons of energy (he doesnt mix well with sugar or caffeine). I love him, even if i cant stand him at times. but anyways. i shall go, he's about to have to go back home, and i'm also getting sick of hearing the slurping of the sucker that he's eating. with this i bid you adu.

Scars

People are fascinating things. I can amuse myself for hours just sitting here and making my boyfriend do fishy faces. of course, me being ADD really doesnt help that. I can also just sit and closely examine his hands and arms, and ask him about every scar (he's got quite a few, one was from where his brother's bed attacked him). and i'll just sit and listen to him ramble about it. i like his voice. it's soothing. he's easily amused too. (i swear he has ADHD, he gets too hyper too easily. Imagine how f***ed up our kids are gonna be.) but, like i was saying, ill just look and listen. i do that with really close friends too, like my ex (the one that was in the army) he's got a LOT of scars, a few from a couple of hunting accidents, one from being accidentally stabbed in the same arm, etc. he cant even barely feel that arm anymore. it's odd....i have many scars too. but the ones that should be on my arms have healed for the most part. (i have like one that's still there). Scars (or what happened to cause the wounds to cause the scars ) help make us into who we are. For instance, the one on my hand helped me to learn that breaking (or attempting to) on gravel is not a good idea. i fell into a big pile of gravel. i was able to pull the "meat" out of my hand almost til it healed. it was kinda gross. another, i got when i was just under a year old, but my mom has one in that same spot that matches, so it kinda gives me a connection to her that most people dont have to a parent. emotional scars are ones that cause more of an idenity than physical ones. like when someone breaks you're heart, or the death of a loved one, always leave a mark on your mind/soul. these type of things change and shape and mold you into the person that you turn out to be in the end.

people

Well, i just sent a message via myspace to my ex (one of the good ones, not the evil, cheating one). He's the one that was in Afghanistan with the Army for over a year. Because of which, he is now deaf in his left ear (a rocket blew up about 75 meters away from him). Anyways, as i was saying to him, i have been thinking about how much my little brother acts like my boyfriend. my boyfriend is around our house a lot, so i know that's why. but i was wondering at how much he would've acted like my ex if he had still lived here. when he lived just two streets over, he was over here a lot, even when we weren't dating. at the time, when he was around a lot, my little brother acted quite a bit like him, tho he was just two year old at the time. Well, i was also thinking that im in an odd way glad that he doesnt act like my older step brother, Kevin. now, dont get me wrong, i'm ok with my step brother. but he's not responsible or consiterate in any way. a majority of this is his mothers fault. she's not the nicest person. she never had him or my younger step brother call their father or anything, like my mom had me do, even if i didnt want to. this has caused them to not have as much respect for their father. my stepdad and i do not always agree on everything, but he doesnt deserve to be treated how they've been acting towards him. the younger stepbrother David, actually will come see his dad when he has the option, and if his mother will meet my stepdad half way to get him. see, they live in Nashville, and that's a 3.5-4 hour drive from here, and no one should have to make that trip back and forth on one day. their mom is one of those bitchy people that thinks that everything should go their way and that the world revolves around her. my older stepbrother is kind of taking after her at the not being respectful. he hasnt called my stepdad at all since being in college (he's in his sophmore year at UT Knox). not on birthdays, christmas, thanksgiving, nothing. i'd be supprised if when (and if ) he ever got married, we'd (or at least my stepdad) would get an invitation to the wedding. I'm not saying this is his fault. It's how his mother raised him. i'm just glad that my little brother doesnt do this kind of stuff. my mom would never let that happen, anyway. I dont entirely mind that he acts like David. David will actually call my stepdad. and David will actually talk without being forced to (that's another story). But anyways. i know that people act according to their environment, and i guess thats a good thing. isn't it???

Ocean's 13

I just finished watching Ocean's Thirteen. It was pretty good. I think i like the first one the most (Ocean's Eleven) but this one's rather good. The story line to this one is a bit less jumpy than the first and second ones, but I was supprised at how good this one was. im not going to tell how it ended or anything so i dont ruin it for those that havent seen it. But, like the other two, the characters come up with and use some very complicated plot to steal from a casino. In this one, they just wanted to ruin the business/casnio of a casino owner who screwed over their older friend. like always, their plot worked, but im not going to tell how exactly it worked. Let's just say tho, that the diamond necklaces that they are after are massive. 30 cts. each!! five massive diamonds on each, and looks to be made of either white gold or silver. i want it. well, actually, it think i'd like one of those massive diamonds put into a nice white gold ring, and used as an engagement ring. or just a ring in general. :) like i said, i really liked the movie. julia robert's charater was not in this movie, but was mentioned a few times. The set of brothers in the first and second movie were not in there, but were replaced by a couple of other guys. these two were good in their small roles, but were not in the film as much as some of the others. It's odd, in the movies, cuz the casino owners kind of know who's stealing from them, or at least know that George Clooney's character is involved, but the cops dont really get called, nor do the "heros" get caught/arrested. of course, we all know that if the heros of the film are caught, then it'll suck. well. in the first one, Clooney's character DOES get arrested, but gets out only like 6 months later. whatever. but just to be able to pull off what they do and do so successfully is enough of a feat that they should at least be able to keep the money. especially since a majority of casino owners are corrupt and just care about the money. so, they kinda deserve it. lol. ok, im starting to get loopy, it's almost 1 in the morning. i need sleep and imma get one more piece of cheese. :) ok, buenas noches

Fuck Me Pumps

I just got back from shopping. I got these REALLY cute, black 4 inch heels from Macy’s. they were originally $89 and I got them for only $26. They’re what my friends mom would call “fuck me pumps.” like that Amy Winehouse song. My mom was griping at me, saying that I could never walk in them, but I walked in them at the store and they’re only an inch taller than my boots that I walk in all the time. I really really like them. They’ll go perfect with the outfit that I got at work about three weeks ago. It’s an A-line black skirt, with a pleated trim at the bottom, with a red corset top, and a shear white shortsleeved button up shirt. With it I bought a black sash for the top of the skirt, and a red and black earring and necklace set. The whole outfit (except for the shoes) cost only $70, after tax. The skirt would’ve been that much originally, at full price, just by itself. I got a really good price for the whole thing. But anyway, I have to go. I have to get ready for work. Peace

Shopping time

If you’ve read my last blog, you know that my mom and I have the house to ourselves tomorrow. Since my little brother is at school now, and my step dad is at work, we have the house to ourselves, now. We wanna go shopping!! She needs to get a new dress shirt for her PTA meeting, and I wanna go look at the shoes!!!! It’s sad, when I was younger, I used to hate shopping. Now I freaking love it!!! I’ve either turned into my mom, or have just become excessively girly in the past two years, I love shoes now, and I like purses, and if I see a really cute top or outfit, if I have the money for it and the occasion to wear it, I have to get it. I’m going to wind up making myself go broke doing this. J It’s odd, since I got out of high school, my mom and I get along a lot better. We usually get along GREAT when my step dad and little brother are in Nashville or something. See, before she got married to my step dad, it was just me and her for about 11 and a half years. So, I think she kinda might feel bad sometimes, cuz the only time we get to spend just me and her anymore is if we go out shopping together, or something. On the weekends, when I’m actually at home and not at school, im either working, or with my bf, when she’s not working, or she’s just busy. I think I’ll see if she wants to play scrabble some time tomorrow. I miss playing that game. I just think that she tried to make up for it by having me go shopping with her. But I need some new dress shoes, anyway, like for the winter, or atleast for the spring. Especially to match my newest dress outfit. Whatever. Ok, speaking of cloths, im still in my Pjs and it’s already 1 pm, so im going to get dressed. Just wanted to spill about my excitement over getting to go SHOPPING!!!!!!!

anniversary

Today’s Friday, and mine and my fiancé’s first anniversary was yesterday. Since it was also his birthday, we went out to eat with his family to El Porton. It was kind of interesting. I had been to their house and the family parties many times, but I had not gone to dinner with them before. My boyfriend comes to my house more than I go to his, so he’s eaten dinner with my family more. But I liked being there anyway. His 12 year old sister and I talk to each other a lot anyway, so with she and my boyfriend sitting next to me, I wasn’t as nervous as if I would have been had they not been there. I like his family, they’re all really nice. It’s just that I haven’t been around his parents as much as he has been around mine. I live with my mom and step dad, so they are the parents he’s used to being around. My dad and step mom and the rest of my family live in Nashville, so he’s only met a majority of my family once, at graduation, and my dad and step mom twice, the other time, being the day of prom when they came thru here for my sister’s wedding. But they all seem to like him. My dad and grandfathers aren’t fond of the fact that he’s not white, but as I told my dad and as my paternal grandfather has realized, there’s nothing that they can do or say that will make me change my mind about my boyfriend. My maternal grandfather is too set in his ways not to say any thing about it. He doesn’t even like men that have long hair (my mother learned that one when she was a bit younger than me). Anyway, we went out to eat with his family, then went to the movie theatre. We got there about 5:45, so nothing would even be playing again until 7. So, we decided to go to my dorm, just to get peace and quite. We watched a movie there, and cuddled and stuff, then went back to his house. From there I went home.

Well, since we figured that we wouldn’t be able to celebrate our anniversary much yesterday, we have it planned to go out tomorrow. I found out last night that my step dad and little brother are going to Nashville tomorrow morning and not coming back til Sunday morning. That means peace and quiet for me and my mom, and since she will be working tomorrow, Chris and I will have the entire house to ourselves! We never got the chance to see Across the Universe when it was out, so we’re planning on renting it then, and going out to eat, probably at PEI WEI. I love that place.

I’ll write more later, and let you know how the movie was. Peace people.

thingy about the article for english

The article, "Let's not get out the vote," is a way of letting people know that they do not have to vote, if they so choose nor see fit. In accordance to the assigned questions, my answers are included in this post. Before reading this article, i had never heard the phrase "get out the vote" before. prior to reading, i had figured that the phrase meant to "tell or convince people to start voting more." As i read, i saw that my prediction was right. I feel that the speaker is a male, not only by the author's name, but by the fact that he is defending the right to not vote, he clearly is not a woman. women would not, at that time, encourage others not to vote, especially other women, since they had just aquired the right to vote only thirty-five years beforehand. His political veiws are not exactly clearly outlined in the article. However, it is clear that he does not exactly affiliate with either of the main two parties, since he does not entirely care if a person votes or not, so long as they do so intelligently. The audience of this article is clearly the voting public. The phrase "let's get the vote out" is directed to the eligible voters, to convince them to get out to the polls and vote more.

The arguement of the source essay (the article) is that one may choose not to vote if one wishes, or that if one does wish to vote, to do so responsibly and intelligently, by knowing about the person that they vote for. I agree that if one is to actually care enough to vote, they should vote for the canidate that they agree on the most issues with. The fact that the article was written in 1955 doesnt really supprise me, going by the examples of the people and groups that he listed that want people to vote. The issue, itself, however, is one that still occurs today. many people vote just to say that they voted, even if they really just dont care. People need to be more responsible for who they vote for, because who the majority chooses will be the one to control how things will be run for that person's term at office or whatever position they run for.

stuffies

hey, people, what's up???? *eats a pilsbury sugar cookie that has hearts in it* man these things are good. i made about 21 earlier.they came in a pack of 24, but my fiance and i both love raw sugar cookie dough, so you can guess where the other three went.
well, i got an electric keyboard for christmas. i've been teaching myself how to play it, and im getting not half bad at it. i've taught myself to play "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes" from Disney's Cinderella.i can now play most of that song without looking at the keyboard, and just reading the notes. have any of you noticed that if you play an instrument, you get better at other instruments or something that requires quick or nimble finger movements??? i used to take guitar lessons, and play (well, not so much anymore) an electric guitar. that made my fingers faster, and therefore my typing speed increased, too. now, playing the piano (keyboard) im faster at that and typing too. and cuz im faster at typing, im faster at the music stuff too.

dude, these really really stupid commercials come on the nicktoons channel, on the sattelite, and the chick on them is the dumbest person ive ever heard. i know she's just acting , but she's sooooo stupid. you know how paris hilton and jessica simpson are both really really ditzy???? this chick is worse than both of them combined!!!! blegh!!! i want to hit her when i see these stupid things.

Im watching Avatar, the last air bender, now. i like this show. the water bending chick, Katara, is my favorite. i like Zuko, the fire nation prince, too. he's freaking hot. i like the bad boy type, for some reason. not to have a relationship with, but just to oogle. :) the little lemur, MoMo, is just the cutest thing, ever!! i hate how real lemurs look, their eyes are creepy looking, but MoMo is adorable. and the big flying bison, Appa, is awesome!! the way his face is and everything, he reminds me of my dog Max.

i got some stuff for my dorm today at hobby lobby and the dollar store. they have some really good baskets and stuff there to help me organize my room, and that helps with my ADD. a lot. I just organized my room at the dorm. i'm really glad i did. i can actually study better.

tv

so, now, im watching Fresh Prince of Bel-air. it's a good show, but once you've seen an episode, it gets really old, really fast. i believe i've seen all of them, and many of the m at least three times each. the only thing on now is Danny Phantom....i just turned it to that show. i like this show. most of these episodes i can watch a lot. i like the character Sam. she's a lot like me personality wise. clothing and goth wise, i used to be like that when i was like 14-16. my mom hated it. i kinda see now why she didnt like it. i used to cut, along with all that crap. im glad i stopped that shit. now i hate wearing all black, and have to have some form or actual color on. i would even wear all black dress clothes, now i have to have a brighter cheery outfit. i have to wear all black to work, and i dont really like it. dont get me wrong, i really appreiciate and love my little black dress, like every woman should have. the one i have is a halter top, with a rhinestone ring in the cross of the top parts. it's uber sexy. ok, im kinda bored. i know , i get destracted easy. thats part of being ADD.. :) heh...ok..yeah. later

semi-random babble

im trying to get my CD player on the computer to work. it's been screwing up lately, wont play cds. it's really pissing me off. my mom's bitching at me to get this shit done and im just not in the mood to write anything. at least not that she'd accept as a blog. i just bought this elvis cd at walmart tonight and i want to listen to it. and i got a favortie dvd too, and i dont have a dvd player at the dorm, i been using the laptop. its pissing me off that it wont play. Honestly, i dont really have more that i want to talk about, this shit is pissing me off to much. i just emailed my cousin for tech support. he's good about that stuff. i hope he gets back to me soon. i dont want to go to work tomorrow. i do and i dont. i do to make the money, and to get out of the house and to actually DO something, i just dont want to deal with the main manager. she and i arent the best of friends. she really gets on my nerves.



by the way, my dog, max, says "hi." when he sniffs at the computer as im typing that means he's saying hi. max is a small dog, half shihzhu, half poodle. he's black with a white stomach and a bit of a white spot on the back of his neck. he's really cute. he's my buddy.

i know this is random, but i just saw a commercial with that justin timberlake/ 50 cent song. i just realized exactly how annoying justin timberlake can be. i miss the days when he was in NSYNC. i miss them and the backstreet boys.

ok, that should be long enough of semi-random babble. later

left behind

i just found out thru an email from my mom that her best friend's daughter, one of MY best friends,Ashley, is getting married in like a week. she just decided this like 2 weeks ago, cuz her twin sister, Amber, (one of my other best friends, i've known these two my whole life) is going to leave for Iraq for a year at the end of this month. i didnt even know that Ashley was engaged or anything. I feel like im losing them. I love them like sisters. im really upset right now because i wont be able to go, it's in indiana, like 10 or so hours away. i couldnt go to my sister's wedding in texas, where her hubby was stationed in the air force for training, cuz she had it the morning after my senior prom, and i had told her two or so months before hand NOT to have it that weekend, cuz i couldnt travel the 13 hours to get there right after prom, and i had prom planned WAY before she had this planned. it was a courthouse type thing, but still. she said that she had to do it then so that she's be put of her husbands shipping orders for DC. but i know she could've done it the weekend before or something. or she could've waited 6 months, which, after the crap going on now with her and her husband, i really think that she should've waited.. well, im just really hurt that Ashley (my friend, not my sister (stepsister, really), also named Ashley) didnt call me or anything to tell me, or even wait or anything. i feel like im being left behind in the dust. Ashley B. (the friend) is three months younger than me, and just turned 19. My stepsister Ashley W. is three months older than me. I just feel left behind. im engaged, but i REALLY REALLY want to go ahead and get married, i just know that money wise, and such we cant right now. i tried calling my fiance earlier to talk to him about it, but he's been out of time on his prepaid phone since sunday night. i talked to him online last night, but i needed to talk to him today. and it was too late to call his house at the time since he has younger siblings and it's a school night. i really need to talk to him about it. my mom would just be like "you better not get married til after college, or we're not paying for anything else" this, meaning college stuff and things like that. i dont have the money to take care of it right now. i'm here on a scholarship, but my mom and stepdad pay for the stuff that my scholarship doesnt cover.
I just feel really left behind and all.. my mom really likes my fiance,and is great with him, my dad and most of his side,as well as my moms side, dont know that he and i are engaged. (my dad's not exactly tolerant of mixed race couples. my fiance is mexican)...i think my grand mothers are ok with him, but my grandfathers are both racist, too. but everyone in my family has met him, and they all seemed to like him.
i dunno, i just want to go ahead and get married, spend my life with him and all....personality wise and all, we all thought i'd be the one toget married before my sister, so that makes me feel even more like im being left behind.

i just needed to get this out, since anyone i would talk to about this on the phone is either asleep or i just dont have the number. i'll try calling him again tomorrow afternoon after he gets out of school. thanks for letting me speak my peace (or is it piece??)

can't we all just get along?

ok, i know this isnt about the blogs that wendy gave us a list of, but i must speak my mind!!

My fiance's younger sister (she's about to be 12lets call her "Rose") was beat up the other day at her middle school. she is mexican, just like my fiance. now, i'm not being racist, but i do believe that what had happened was a racist thing. she told me that while she and her asian friend were walking to the car-riders' section after school thursday, a group of about 5 older black kids came up behind her and her friend and started calling her names and saying stuff about her. she said that she then was pushed down and about three of them started kicking and hitting her.they didnt call her friend names or anything, just her. her friend tried to help her, but was not able to. no teachers were around to see this. She said that she did not know these kids, and that she had only seen one of them before, but has never done anything for them to not like her. she's a very sweet girl, a little huskey, but i was a big kid too. i understand where she's coming from on some of it, cuz i was verbally bullied in school for being smart and for the fact that i had boobs from when i was about ten. anyway, after she got home, she realized that she had cuts and scratches all over her legs from where these kids hurt her. and i told her to take pictures every day of her cuts and where they hit and kicked her, so that if they are taken to court or anything, she would have visable proof of the attack. she told her parents, and is going to tell the principal as soon as she finds out their names.

Now, i ask you: is there any justice in this world???? this kid is a very nice, caring girl. and i'm not just saying that because she's my fiance's sister. i really like her, she's good to talk to when i need girl talk, even if she's only 12. She has done nothing that would make anyone have reason to hurt her. i really think this might be a racial thing, if it were her size or anything, name calling would be the most anyone would do, you've never heard of anyone being beaten up due to their weight. I really want to go down to her school and have her show me which kids hurt her, but i know that i will be arrested for assaulting minors. still, if i were only 17, i would go down there and give the girls that hurt her a taste of their own medicine, and i know my fiance wants to hurt the boys, but cnat for the same reason as me. i really dont get why they would hurt her other than racial. she seems phisically ok, but is still just shooken up a bit. CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG AND ACCEPT EACH OTHER???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

writing

As I wait for my computer to load the blog that i'm trying to look at, as well as ecourseware, I figured that i'd go ahead and type something. Wendy said for this week's blogs to be going off of the memphis blogs, but said that if one was already written and not about the blogs, that's fine. heh. well, i know this was written after she said that, but i need to catch up on my stuff. i have to work tonight from 6-10, and i wont get in til almost 11, so i'm going to type as much as possible before i have to go get ready for work. i was for some reason thinking that these werent due til the 3rd. yeah, im kinda screwed. i like writting in the blogs, but i have a lot of stuff to do,and just flat out forget to do it sometimes until like thursdays. i have no idea what to do with this paper. i had a thought going, on the only topic that i thought that i'd be able to write about, but, no, i'm lost. i wanted to do something to the effect of how we're killing our environment by building way more than we need, but i dont think i can make out the whole 12 pages. i suck at writing about stuff that i really dont want to write about. i cant do essays worth shit. i am a story person. i write poems and stories. but i dont do really short stories, like only one page and thats it. i have to do the longer stuff, like at least 4 pages. i make up people and places that i see in my mind, and i have a really hard time getting what i want to say out. i ramble, or i just cant get it out how i want it. maybe this is why i prefer art. you see some thing in your mind and you can recreate it into a painting or a drawing. with words, you can only describe it and really hope that the other people see it like you do. ok, i have to go to work now. peace

*cue the harmonica* the blues, man..

In the Smart City Memphis blog, there is mentioned an International Blues Challenge festival this weekend, and that got me thinking. Our city is known as the home of the blues, yet the blues were first actually played in New Orleans. Before instruments were added, it was all vocal. The blues were adapted from the songs and hymns that the slaves sang in the fields as they worked. It's kind of like the city is stealing the title from New Orleans a bit, isn't it? Granite, that jazz is from New Orleans, and the Blues were also based off of jazz, but still. Chicago is also known for it's blues music, but is not the original home of it. Although Memphis does have a strong tradition of the blues, as well as many talented blues singers, Memphis is more known as the birthplace of Rock 'n' Roll.

Anyway, all this talk about blues music makes me think of the movies The Blues Brothers and The Blues Brothers 2000. Those are some great movies! The music and cast in each one are phenominal. I actually prefer the second one, because of the songs and because I'm not a John Belushi fan. Having Ray Charles and Aretha Franklin in them, as well as many other famous soul singers, made the movies even greater. The car chases and humor didnt hurt, either. I know, not a real big connection to the original blog, but music in the movies is.

friday

ok, im going to make this quick so i can get it in. i'm sorry that this will be short. i was at work all day and forgot to do this before i left. i saw macon tonight when leaving work. she and i had no idea that we each worked in the mall. that was interesting. i work at the limited in the wolfchase mall. i like it for the most part. our jeans are really nice, so getting a discount for those just themelves is worth it. beh! 1152! i cant type much faster, my laptop is not connecting online, and im using the desk top computer at home, and it's loud, well ,the keyboard is. that's why i hate using the computers at school, cuz they're loud. everyone else is asleep, so i have the tv on for noise to kinda drown out the typing, but it's not too loud. after this, im going to get food, since i havent really had any meals today, but only snacks. that's not gonna work for me. ok, i must go so i can get this in. love, peace, and chicken grease!!!

thursday night

well, I'm sitting here watching M*A*S*H and eating chips and chocolate. Yeah, i know, nothing but junk food, right?? anyways, i know that i need to write more in my blogs, and it usually doesn't occur until i just get the sudden urge to write, or if i'm having a problem, like my latest blog. (thanks, by the way, to y'all for commenting on my thing and letting me know that i'm not the only one that has troubles.) but i was having a "painting" mood earlier, but i need to finish this stuff. I believe that i'll paint tomorrow before work or something. hrm.....lol, i know this is random, but my dog is sitting here staring at me wanting some chips. he's giving me this "please give me a chip. you love me and i'm cute. please??" look. i cant refuse, he's just too cute and he knows it! so, i feel much better from the other day when i posted that thing about my mood. I'm happy to be home right now. i get a bit loney at the dorm all by my self. that, and i like the food my mom makes more than the stuff there. i really want a new cell phone. (yes, that's random, but i just saw a cell phone commercial. i like my phone, but it's starting to wear down, like, the buttons are sticking, but otherwise its good. course,that would mean that i'd have to get more ringtones, i dont want to do that. my dad is paying for my cell phone bill while im in college, so that i can concentrate on school work instead of having to work all the time, too. ok, i really need to post this. time's running low

winter blues

I hate winter. I get too fucking easily depressed in the winter. Otherwise, i'd love it. i love the holidays and such, and snow whenever we might actually get it. I just cant stand getting depressed so easily. I refuse to take depression meds, cuz a) i used to take them, and the often made it worse and b) there is no reason to only take them about 3 months out of the year. i was having a rather fine day, i was hyper and everything. i called my fiance to make sure he was still coming over to help me move furniture, and he said something, completely playing around, that hurt my feelings. i told him that what he said bothered me, and told him not to say it again, he said he was really sorry, didnt know it would bother me, and that it wont happen again. normally, that wouldnt bring me down so much.. i thought that i was over it, and went on my way, well, when he got to the dorm, we were talking and such and he was wanting to, you know, mess around. earlier that day, i would have gone with it in less than a second, but for some reason, i just didnt want to anymore. i told him that i didnt want to at the moment, and maybe after we moved the furniture that i'd feel better. well, we rearranged my room, and yet i still was down and shit. i was kinda pissed, mostly just cuz i was in a bad mood then, but i had no reason to be. he asked if i was ok, cuz i wasnt "being ashley." i dont know what happened. i didnt want to do anything, but just lay on my bed and listen to music. he was hugging me and still trying to get me to do something, but i (this is really strange for me) just flat out told him that i really didnt want to and maybe this weekend.........I really hate how the winter makes it easier for me to get depressed. i went thru this shit for two and a half years straight, i dont want to put up with it again. i know that i kinda disappointed him, and i hate that feeling. i told him that i get depressed easy in the winter, and that the smallest thing will set it off. he told me that he understood and that it's ok.....its not ok. getting depressed like this makes me feel like shit. i used to cut, and i was actually really addicted to it. i stopped completely over a year ago, and for a year before that it was only when i was REALLY upset (like a bad break up or something). When i get depressed like this, it makes my arms ad wrists tingle, just making me have the urge to just at least scratch it really hard just to feel some of that old familiar sting. I wont let myself do it again. i refuse. none of my friends REALLY understand this kind of shit, except for my (for the most part) best friend, but she's done a bunch of crazy shit lately, so i dont trust her any more. (read the earlier bulletins for more info on that). my mom would over react about all this if she found out about it, and i dont want my other family members to worry or anything. like i said, no one else really gets it, so i just have to either keep it bottled up (which can actually be deadly, by the amount of stress it puts on the body), or tell my fiance, who is the only other one who would understand, but i dont want him to feel like it's his fault or anything. i explained what was going on to him earlier ,and he seemed to understand. it's just that everytime i get upset about something, or wind up crying about something, he's usually the one i go to first, so i'm sure he's tired of hearing me cry.

im sorry for that rant, but i actually feel a lot better now, just getting all of that out. thanks for listening/reading.......

peace

my manifesto

Being as a manifesto, by definition, is a public declaration of principles and intentions, I believe the best way to begin this manifesto for myself would be to state my beliefs and my intentions for this course and for life in general. The Declaration Of Independence set up by our forefathers over two centuries ago is, after all, a manifesto for the new country that they were forming and states their (generally) shared beliefs on matters as to how the new country should be run and clarifies their intentions for the goals set for the country’s rights. Some of these beliefs outlined in the Declaration of Independence are either the same or very similar to my own. The main one of which would be that “all men are created equal.” Well, back when that was written, not everyone was treated equal. The only ones treated equal were white men with enough property to meet their standards. I don’t quite feel that way. I believe that no matter sex, color, age, or wealth, everyone should be treated fairly. People should be judged by their character, not the color of their skin, or what shape their body is in. Women, contrary to how most have felt throughout the years, can do almost anything a man can do. Quite often, we can do things better than men. For instance, we are usually the one who are more thorough in what we do, therefore we usually get things done properly on the first attempt. Also, no man can ever master the art of putting a little girl’s hair up whichever way she likes it, and getting it right the first time. Don’t get me wrong. Guys are great, but I am a firm believer in the statement that a woman does not need a man to survive. My great grandmother raised eight kids by herself, while her husband was sick in the hospital with tuberculosis. And each of her children turned out just fine. Only a really strong woman could raise that many children by themselves. This example brings me to my point. Those who are stronger emotionally, and mentally should be the ones running the country, not those that are elected because of the ivy-leagued school that they went to for a year or two, solely because it was tradition. The “fairness” scale is one that is still unevenly weighted, with the benefits being given to the side that has the white male or the stereotypical person of power. This is not what I think of when I hear “ all men are created equal.” I think of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.’s beautiful “I have a Dream” speech, in which people are “not judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.” Using Dr. King’s beliefs as an example brings me to my next belief. I do not agree with wars of any form. I do not condone killing of any innocent human, or for any reason other than as a last resort of self defense. Those are my main two beliefs. The others are a little less important. However, the goals that I have set for myself in life are important. For this course, I would like to end this semester being able to type an in-depth paper on anything in less than a day, and it not endanger my health at staying up all hours of the night. I would also like to be able to read a story, narrative, or anything, and understand most, if not all of it’s deeper meanings. As for life in general, my intentions are a bit more extreme. I am planning to become an interior designer, and either own my own business, or be in a partnership with another designer or on a design team. I plan to specialize in designing children’s and teenager’s rooms, since I love kids. That brings me to another goal. I will not be truly happy in life until I have children. I’m not talking about one or two. I’m wanting more around four or five. There is nothing in this corrupt world more innocent or joyous than a young child’s laughter. Very young children don’t know why something is funny besides the fact that it just fascinates them. They do not know what the harsh world has in store for them, they just know what is happening at that exact moment. Life should be to where we do not always concentrate on what’s wrong with the world. We should enjoy every moment that we can, and not let life pass us by, because when it’s through, there’s no going back. The phrase “you’re only young once” will only become more and more apparent as we age. My ultimate intention, goal, whichever you wish to call it, is to just “grab life by the horns” and hold on tight and enjoy the ride.

my

people from engl. 1020, please take a look

HEY EVERYONE!! I JUST WANTED TO WELCOME YOU TO THE USE OF THESE BLOGS!! I HAD WENDY LAST SEMESTER, AND SHE'S RIGHT, YOU WILL WANT TO KEEP USING THEM AFTER THE SEMESTER. LOOKING FORWARD TO A GREAT SEMESTER!!! PEACE