gaydar alert!! one of our own is in trouble!!!

this one will be kind of awkward, so bare with me. to make you understand for the most part of where im coming from, you need to be brought to the beginning, when i was 10. at that time, most kids dont know that there were people that were gay or bi, or stuff like that. hell, at 10, most kids think that those of the opposite sex "had cooties" or were "gross." well, there arent many creatures in this world that have habits that are as sickening or gross as a ten year old boy (burping or farting contests, for example), but i digress. it was at that critical age that i first figured out that i liked both boys and girls. i didnt know at the time that there was a name for it. i found this out from my stepsister (who i just consider my sister now), who was a grade ahead of me, due to her birthday. she showed me one night, after our parents had gone to bed, that the tvs in our rooms picked up a very fuzzy, but still observable, playboy channel. i was drawn to watch it at first entirely because it was something that was "naughty" (no pun intended, i assure you) and that i was not used to the content of it. well, this sparked my interest in females, as since that time, i've always viewed the female body as (for the most part) beautiful. well, fast forward a few years to my freshman year of high school.. at this time, i was welcomed by my friends to be "myself" and being "bi" was okay.

during that year, i had two girlfriends, and two boyfriends. (all at their own time, i never doubled). well, since then, ive had a few more of each, mostly boyfriends. my mom never found out til the end of my freshman year, and felt that hitting me (pretty hard i might add) and not talking about it, other than bitching at me about how it was "wrong and an abomination and wouldnt be allowed in [her] house" , not talking about it would make it go away...things were fine until my senior year of high school, when we had another blow up about it, cuz she caught me hugging a friend of mine a little too close. she views it like im some sort of monster for liking chicks, too..however, it's natural for me. i didnt choose to. she's one of those hypocritical people. she preaches at me about the bi thing, knowing that i dont believe in "God" or any type of supreme one being, for that matter, and until i turned 18, made me go to church with her. Yet, she will cuss at times, not "accept others" and other things. i've actually read the bible when i was younger. it caused her to not bitch at me at times. she's not showing tolerance to differences. she thinks that she can push her beliefs off on me, knowing my own.

ok, that little rampage on my mom wasnt my point. its part of the story, but wasnt the point. my point is that now, i think i might be *dramatic pause* pretty much straight, now...i mean, i still think women/chicks are pretty and hot, at what not, but i would never get into a relationship with one again...too much drama....i dont think i would even "mess around" with a chick again. does this mean im straight????? that scares me.. cause since high school, being bi was part of my identity. it's like a guy who thought he was straight his whole life suddenly realizes that he's gay. its scary shit!! i dont know what to do...i guess just go with it, but it confuses me. i want to know who i am entirely! now, im not 100% sure. i know that i am ME, but this ME is confused. this ME isnt really attracted to chicks any more. i want to just get over it, and all, but this was a part of who i was/(am?). I've changed a lot over the past year (you can ask Nina), and i've become kinda preppy, when i used to be one of those kids that wears the big black pants and stuff all the time. it's so weird. am i not who i thought i was?? i mean, i like being me. i wouldnt change it for the world. im just so confused. usually im the one that convinces people to come out and be who they really are, but im so confused on this right now.